Movin’ on up: Careers at American Private Police Force


So, that shadowy paramilitary junta that has taken over a town in Montana? They’re HIRING, yo. Hey, I’M an investigator-type! I could be working for the “vast network of senior government officials both domestic and international” that “has collectively managed thousands of private investigators handling almost every investigative and security issue known to man.”

Hear that, suckas? Every issue KNOWN TO MAN. Not only that, I’ve been assured that I “will work on highly sophisticated projects and advanced technology known to man.” As opposed to those punk-bitch technologies that are UNknown to man.

My “input and ideas will be utilized to help keep America safe from threats around the world.” I understand that I “also may perform computer database searches, or work with someone who does.” Apparently, this elite organization has discovered that “Computers allow detectives and investigators to quickly obtain massive amounts of information on individuals.” Who knew? These guys are badASS! I’m sending my resume right now. See you in Valhalla, suckas!!!



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